I reached out to a friend tonight

Tonight has been bad, very bad. My heart continues to break and I’m beginning to believe that maybe you just don’t want me. You don’t love me. My heart breaks a little more every time I consider that though. Perhaps I’m not enough, or not good enough for you. I’m exhausted, this is tearing me apart. I want to sleep and never wake up.

My depression is getting worse, I am at a very low point. I want to die. I want the pain to stop. God isn’t listening, he’s letting me suffer the same as you are letting me suffer. Did you ever think of what this would do to me? Four times now, I’ve wanted to end it. This time, the gun. I took it out of the drawer this morning and then put it back. Tonight, my body wouldn’t get out of bed to get it from the drawer.

I’ve cried for hours tonight, my nerves and all the crying made me throw up. I lost control and had a meltdown. I hurt myself in the process. Despite what you said over and over, I feel like you don’t love me, like you don’t care. Maybe you don’t, maybe you said those words simply to make me feel better. Panic is flooding me and I just want it to end. Without you, I have fallen to a deepness in my depression that I don’t know if I can get out of.

I reached out to a friend tonight, because of the suicidal thoughts, then failed to mention those thoughts. I don’t want to worry anyone nor cause them pain. But my own pain is unbearable.