Loneliness or Not.

“Are you Lonely?” Am I lonely? No, no that’s not it. I conquered lonely already. I enjoy being alone and I enjoy the peacefulness of the silence. Alone and solitude are my friends. Being alone and being lonely are two completely different things. Yes, I am aware of this. I’m sitting here at my computer and I am trying to remember the last time I felt lonely. I can’t . Perhaps it was more than a year ago, perhaps longer.

The definition of lonely is: sad because one has no friends or company. No, this is not how I feel or how I have felt in a while. I do recall a time of feeling like a burden to my friends and those close to me, but lonely, I don’t feel lonely. I think for me, I am happy alone, too happy. I wonder about my sanity occasionally because I never really NEED anyone. The time when I felt like a burden, I was in need physically. I hated that. HATED it. I take care of myself and that’s that. I need no one.

I need no one because I have never been able to rely on anyone. Everyone lets me fall but then forgets to catch me. I must always catch myself. Lonely. I want to change the letters to Lovely. That’s such a better word and more accurate to what I feel about myself now. Lonely… lonely feels like a weak word to me, I see loneliness as a weakness. There was a time when it was MY weakness. I beat it though, crushed that bitch.

Am I lonely, no. Have I quickly and unexpectedly come to need someone other than myself? Yes. I will admit it, I will be honest with you and with myself, I need another human. But, why? Why do I need someone other than myself? We all need people, right? No, I say no because I learned never to NEED anyone.

Need is an interesting word, we use it in so many ways and toss it around so easily. Need — I need HIM in my life, perhaps he is not key to my very existence, but what if he is? Strange that I would even consider that question.

Maybe that’s how you know that you have found the right person, your person. Life feels strange without them. Your days just don’t seem quite right and your heart feels a little weird. You want to share your breakfast with him, you want to share your coffee with him. You want to wake up in his arms, you want to kiss him good morning. You want to be annoyed by him turning on the light and blinding you way too early, just because you want to be with HIM. You want to wake up to him being noisy because it means he’s there.

You want to let yourself fall, and you don’t even think about it anymore, whether he will catch you or not. You don’t think about it because you know he will but even if he doesn’t, you’d gladly crash to the ground fighting off anyone else that tries to catch you. You don’t want just anyone, you want HIM. Deep down you know that he will, but life has taught you never to trust anyone but yourself, and sometimes that’s questionable. So what do you do?

You jump.