What the heart Wants
I think I hadn’t expected that I would have feelings for him, not strong ones. It had nothing to do with him, it was me and my inability to feel or to love others in the way that couples love. I found myself starting to open up to him and allowing myself to feel, but I didn’t think that I had to really worry about the depth of it. Now, I don’t mean that I didn’t think that I would fall. From the first moment, something in me knew that he was going to be different. In what way, I didn’t know. Not at first anyway. When did I know that I would at some point fall for this man? Well, that was somewhere between when he first looked in my eyes and when he first kissed me.
When he kisses me, nothing else matters. The world outside goes silent, the world in my head stands still. If there were to be another person in the room, I’m not sure I would even know.
I’ve met people before, I have loved and I have fantasized about lovers, boyfriends and forbidden affairs. I have thought that one love was greater than another, they were. They were also bound by an expiration date. The last man that I loved, made me feel different, made me feel wanted, but never needed. He didn’t need me, I was a luxury, one of many. Another one before that, he was the last one that made me think of forever. Isn’t it strange how we love each person just a little bit differently? I mean, some people we love lightly, others we love fiercely, then there are the ones that we love with our souls.
It’s been so long since I loved another person with my soul. I have given my heart time and time again, but kept that door to my soul forever locked. I think I realized today that it was open.
Perhaps when I ventured into my soul to share a story, I forgot to close it. You know, I reached in, so carefully, grabbed a book from the shelf and hurried out before my secrets could be seen. Perhaps I hurried a little too much and the door didn’t close all the way or it bounced back open, or dare I say that I left it ajar on purpose. I wouldn’t do that, no, I would never expose myself like that. Perhaps I did though. Either way, it was left open, that dark door to my soul.
I feel so much and I love so deeply when I let go and allow myself to love. I have made it a daily practice to protect myself and never let anyone get close enough to hurt me. It happens though, it is inevitable. Someone always comes along and I ultimately let my guard down to whatever extent, and I love. Then, they inevitably toss me aside for something better, something easier to manage, and I am left with my heart in my hands, crushed and bleeding.
I can’t say what this is that I am currently experiencing, but it’s something. It is something that I didn’t expect, certainly not so quickly.
I was pushed away today, and the moment I realized it was happening, I felt that deep suffocating pain. A pain that I didn’t think I was capable of feeling again. I didn’t think I was capable of caring for someone that much anymore. People break people. They break the people they have sworn to protect. That’s just life, it happens. We live and we learn and we build giant walls to protect ourselves. Walls and doors.
When I found that I had been pushed away, I was crushed. Not that it had been done to me yet again, I’m used to that, but because I truly wanted this person in my life. That and the bleeding heart that lives behind the locked door of my soul, had already begun to care for him. Why?! Why had I let myself? We are not responsible for what our hearts feel, but dammit, I like to think that I can control it in some way. I cried. Yes, I cried and I have not cried over a man in such a long time.
Regardless of why or how I let myself begin to truly care about someone is irrelevant. My whole point here is that it happened and I truly didn’t think that I was capable of feeling anything like that anymore. Life has a strange way of presenting you with things you don’t expect, and at times that you couldn’t imagine.
Here is a person that I need. Here is a person that I find myself hoping that they need me, because I can’t imagine my heart surviving it any other way.
I wasn’t ready for this.