Will I be thinking of his kiss when I’m 80?
I feel like sleeping all day again. I woke up with the sun this morning and laid in bed thinking about him. My mind skipped from one thought to another. I miss him, how long will I miss him? Will this be temporary or will I be thinking of his kiss when I’m 80? I could meet someone new, but just the thought of that feels wrong to me. Can I even love anyone other than him? I don’t even find others attractive, I don’t see them like I see him. I let my mind carry me through a ‘what if’ scenario for a moment. What if I met someone that had absolutely every quality I find appealing, and he was head over heels infatuated with me, what then? I couldn’t even do that. I couldn’t even fantasize about someone else. I never could really.
That led me to the thoughts of not having him and what will I do with my life, how will I move forward when all I want is to fix things with our relationship. That only spiraled into loads of missing parts, parts that are now missing. Not hearing his voice telling me he loves me before I fall asleep at night, the cute way he wiggles under the covers when I wake him with soft kisses on his cheek and the way he would wiggle more when I trailed the kisses down his neck. It wasn’t long before my depression was slapping me in the face with moment after moment with him that would be gone, that is gone.
I fell asleep a few times and finally decided to get up and make some coffee and try to get something productive done. That’s progress I guess, I’m out of bed. I know it’s not the strength of my will or some motivation deep inside my brain, it’s the depression meds. My depression fought to keep me in bed today, it fought to break me down, but the meds, they protect me.