Life, it can be a complicated mess

Life, it can be a complicated mess, a nasty, gross, unfortunate, painful mess. It can be beautiful too, happiness and all the warm fuzzy feelings. I remember those exist, but I at the moment, I don’t remember how they felt, only that those things felt great, but I can’t really remember what “great” feels like. At this season of my life, the pain and the messiness is all I actually feel. Grief is my daily experience.

Have you ever tried, I mean, really really tried to be happy, but you just couldn’t find the emotion anywhere inside of you? This elusive magical unicorn that you’re not even sure really existed in the first place, is absolutely nowhere to be found. Like trying to spot Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster, try as you might, it’s not happening.

Waking up each day is a chore, it’s much easier to sleep. This morning as I slid the little yellow arrow on my phone, sending the alarm into snooze for another five minutes, I cursed the dawn and the hour. At least in my sleep, there’s only a percentage of a chance that I will think or dream of my loss. The sheets and blanket snuggled around me, another blanket crumpled and rolled, pushed against my side where my love should have been. It makes me feel a tiny bit less alone, but even so, sometimes I still forget that he’s not there with me. Of course, I’m not really helping my situation but confusing my brain like that. Perhaps that is why I sometimes dream of him being there, spooning, with his arms around me. Waking up from that is no picnic.

As humans, we all handle things differently. I’ve always been able to move on from relationships, even break hearts without a second thought as to what I was really doing to that person. I’ve been in long term relationships and simply walked away when I saw that it would simply not work or I was not happy or whatever other reason there may have been. Not this time, I completely broke. Begging, bargaining, denial, shock, depression — I have never in my lifetime begged a man to stay. I did this time.

Perhaps that is the difference between loving someone and being truly “IN LOVE” with someone, I was, and still am, IN LOVE with him. Accepting that it is over, and letting go of the relationship has been the most painful and difficult thing I have ever experienced. A new life experience, one that has most certainly changed me. Knowing this pain has opened my heart to understanding the same pain in others. Already, I hear of people hurting from loss, and my heart aches for them.


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