Day One, Please Need Me

Day one, ground zero of what I fear is the end of you and me. Day one, I’m still processing what’s happened. The tears fall from my eyes quickly, in uncontrolled sobs. I can’t stop it, I can’t absorb the pain. I find a calm moment then I wonder if you are thinking about me, and the sobs start again, heavy body gripping sobs. I feel this in my soul. A gut wrenching heartbreak that may consume me. Please think of me. Please need me.

It’s only day one, I guess this will be the worst of it. It has to be, because I can’t imagine feeling any worse than I feel at this moment. The first day is usually the worst, right? But I don’t know, perhaps this is only the beginning, a beginning that will surely destroy me. I’ve always heard that it gets easier, the grief of loss, the grief of heartbreak. Those words have even flowed effortlessly from my own lips. I’ve offered my concern and support to others, heartfelt concern. I’ve meant the words, but I know now that I didn’t completely understand the heartbreak.

It’s only day one.

The world carries on without me, it spins without a thought of my crumbling life. It doesn’t care, people cry every day. People feel pain, couples lose themselves every day, this is nothing new. The world can’t stop for every broken heart, it can’t cry with each person as their hearts fall to tiny bits at their feet. It can console us if it chooses, but rarely does. I’ve been that person that chose to let another heart suffer alone. I had not known, until this day, what that pain truly was. I won’t dismiss it quite so easily again.

It’s only day one.

My eyes are swollen and hot with pain. They feel too big for my face, too heavy, too large. My head aches, it pounds and begs for relief. My stomach tight, ready to expel anything I send into it. My body feels the loss as my heart sinks into an ocean of pain, an ocean of quiet desperation and mourning. Until this day, I never considered that we could mourn the living. Yet you live and I mourn the loss of you. I could never have imagined this feeling, this pain.

It’s only day one.

The sobs begin again as I think of you and the way you voice sounds in my ear, on my skin. I can’t remember anguish like this, I’m certain I’ve never felt this before. Please call me, please say that you made a mistake. Please tell me you love me. Please tell me that you need me. My heartbeat thuds in my ears, rips from my chest. I may drown in my tears, my soul may suffocate from the pain. Please think of me. Please end this mourning, please end this pain.

Please think of me, please need me.