The question was simple

 

The question was simple. What if you lost the one you love, your lover. What if you lost that person to death?

The thought unimaginable to me, only fear of the loss.
Hours passed.

As I thought of the unimaginable, I couldn’t even imagine what that would be like. Not that I wanted to know, I just couldn’t imagine what that would feel like. The question had been asked, and I simply didn’t know. Then suddenly, there it was. A moment as unexpected as snow on a summer’s day.

The thoughts fell on my heart like a thousand slivers of a thousand shards of a thousand mirrors, plunging into my heart. Deep sorrow, fear, and pain overflowing my soul. Tears didn’t fall, they poured from my eyes like tiny rivers running down my face. Rolling over my face, curving over my jaw bone, underneath, and down my neck.

Flowing so heavily, so quickly I couldn’t dry one stream before the other reached the collar of my shirt.

Deep sorrow and pain. A pain I felt to my core, in my bones and flooding my spirit. This is what loss feels like? I thought to myself, I cannot lose my love, I simply cannot bear it. A broken heart would surely be the death of me if I were to endure the death of my love.

A pain, a dark emptiness in my bones. An emptiness and a darkness that consumed my heart and the spirit within me.

My heart ached, harder and more painful with every beat. My heart was breaking. It felt as though it truly was breaking. Being ripped to pieces, shredded by a thousand slivers of a thousand shards of a thousand mirrors. I felt them all. Every sliver and shard, plunging into my heart and ripping it to pieces, some falling to the ground with the torn pieces of my heart, others remaining in my heart like splinters.

Each beat of my heart moving the slivers deeper into my heart. Throbbing pain around each one like an infected splinter in your writing hand. A pain that never stops, a pain the never ceases. Is this what if feels like? The loss of a lover, is this the pain that I would feel? Is this the answer that the question was begging for? A simple question, a very painful answer.’

It’s been years since this question was asked, only now do I truly know the pain of loss, but I didn’t lose you to death. I lost you to life as you chose to live yours without me. As awful as I had imagined it would be, it was simply, much much worse.

-Minna Von Walden


 

 

photo credit: Her morning elegance. via photopin (license)