Doubt is Depression’s Assassin, are we winning the War?
Doubt is a killer, doubt is also depressions’ favorite friend.
They love each other, they go everywhere together, practically joined at the hip. They will slap you in the face and knock you to your knees, in a true team fashion. Depression uses Doubt as the dreaded secret weapon. Throw in doubt, and depression has one foot in the door, most times, an arm too. The battle is almost won.
I have a few holes in my confidence that are directly related to doubt. Am I ever good enough? I struggle with it, wrestling with the false idea that I’ll never be good enough for anything. I always know it’s depression, but I can’t stop it. I can’t stop thinking about how people must think I’m a joke. How I think I’m stupid for ever thinking I could be worth anything to anyone.
Depression is like a dark smoke seeping through the pores of our skin, finding our soul, digging in with the teeth of a shark and latching on like a leach.
It gets deep inside us and destroys us from the inside.
Doubt attacks my relationships, it creeps into my mind and whispers in my ears. It tells me I am nothing or it tells me I am substandard. It takes the innocent actions of my loved ones and twists them into threats. It tells me I’m not pretty enough or valuable enough for my boyfriend to stay. It tells me that he will find another and push me out the door.
Depression loves doubt, depression needs doubt, depression is doubt. Depression lies.
I know that depression lies to me. I know that all the whispers are only threats meant to take over my soul. Doubt can kill even the greatest of lives and destroy the best paired relationships. I choose not to allow it. But sometimes, it’s a hard battle. Sometimes I can’t stop it, but I know I’ll win the war.
-Minna Von Walden